Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Forgiveness feels impossible some days. How can I possibly forgive the people who hurt my husband so deeply, who caused him such profound trauma that it manifested as a physical illness? His PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures) are a daily reminder of the abuse he endured.

Every time I see him have a seizure, I'm filled with a mixture of heartache for his suffering and rage at those responsible. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me at times. He didn't deserve any of this. Those abusers stole so much from him - his sense of safety, his trust, his health. And in a way, they stole from our relationship too. We can't just live carefree lives like other couples our age. Everything has to be planned around his condition.

I know, logically, that holding onto this anger isn't healthy. That it won't change the past or heal my husband. That forgiveness is supposed to be healing. But how do you forgive something so monstrous? How do you let go of the desire for justice, or at least karma?

Some days I think I'm making progress, that I'm finding a way to release this burden of resentment. But then he'll have a particularly bad episode, and all that bitterness comes flooding back. It's a constant struggle between my logical mind that wants to move forward and my heart that's still so hurt and angry on his behalf.

I'm trying to focus on supporting my husband's healing journey rather than dwelling on the past. To channel my energy into love and care for him instead of hatred for his abusers. But it's a daily challenge, and I know the road ahead is long. All I can do is take it one day at a time and hope that, eventually, peace will come.