The Pain and Joy of Mother's Day

 Today, May 14th, is Mother’s Day and for some, this will feel like a wonderful day, perhaps filled with brunch, flowers, and time and energy spent with the people you love. 

Or maybe you’ll revel in having little ones bring you their homemade crayon cards and attempts at pancakes and breakfast in bed. 

If this day brings you joy and gratitude, that’s lovely and I’m so glad that’s the experience for you!

But for many of us, Mother’s Day will not feel this way.

Mother’s Day, instead, may feel really quite hard and complex. 

Perhaps you dearly long to be a mother and you’re currently struggling with infertility.

Perhaps you wanted to be a mother to physical children in this lifetime and it couldn’t or didn’t happen.

Perhaps you recently or long ago lost your physical child and are grieving your loss deeply. 

Perhaps the child you loved has now turned their back on you wishing you were dead. 

Perhaps you never wanted to be a mother and/or are now struggling with being one.

Perhaps your own mother has passed or very ill.

Perhaps you never knew your mother and wish you had.

Or, and this is very common, perhaps you are estranged from your mother or have a toxic and painful relationship with her that makes celebrating this day complex in a way that no Hallmark card could ever capture. 

Whatever the reason, if you’re one of the many of us who doesn’t enjoy this day, who almost dread its cyclical return in the arc of the calendar each year, if you’re someone who actually feels sadness, challenge, and pain around this day, I want you to know that you’re not alone. 

Not at all.

Being triggered by Mother’s Day is an incredibly common experience. 

To be a mother oneself and to be born of one (as we all are) is deeply, unbelievably complex and I don’t think we do a good enough job in this culture acknowledging the multidimensional and often painful aspects of this.

So let’s face it: holidays centered around families can be triggering and challenging for many of us. 

That’s why on this Mother’s Day, I want to speak to you if you’re one of the many, like me, who are triggered by this day. 

I want to reach across the internet and give you a virtual permission slip of sorts to not feel pressured to enjoy or celebrate this day despite what the echoing message all around you may say, and instead wish you find ways to alternatively “celebrate” Mother’s Day and to take care of yourself.