" The Whale"

 

While snowmageddon raged outside, Tim and I settled in and watched the movie "The Whale" In my entire 61 years of life, I can't remember a movie ever having the impact on me this one did. By the end of I was sobbing out loud. Two days later I am still crying as I sort through all the emotions it's evoked. 

The character in the movie is dying and trying desperately to reconcile with a daughter that has not had anything to do with him for years. A daughter who never understood why he had to leave her and her mother. A child that never knew he tried with everything within him to have a relationship with her but was blocked on multiple levels. In the end as he passed, she was there and the light flickered as she understood. 

As a mother, I've made mistakes. I admit them and beat myself up each and every day over them, but in the end happiness and love in a marriage takes two and when that is non existent and other circumstances happen, love dies away, sometimes very quickly. When physical and verbal abuse become your life you look for the quickest out you can find. So to, when emotions and love are never offered to you, a bit of you dies each day. 

In my heart, I fear this same scenario with my own daughter. I am not the person I was 15 years ago when she threw me away. I've grown and I'm happy and I live a wonderful and loving life with Tim. He is open and honest with me and loves us all with all that is within him. Sadly, she has never wanted to be a part of that love.

This past year, as we celebrated my oldest grandson's graduation, she walked in with a newborn baby. A grandchild I knew nothing about. No one warned me. I never knew she was pregnant or had a baby. The knife to my heart in that moment was almost more than I could bear. Everyone that got to hold her walked by me and covered her up. As a mom I wanted to go talk with her and congratulate her but I knew if I did she would make a scene and I won't do that. We were there to celebrate my grandson. 

My ex-inlaws all had to try and talk with me that day. Something they would never do any other time, but in that given moment they held the power. They bragged and lauded about the baby and isn't she just adorable. How would I know I never knew about her or have seen her. The saddest part was no one told me. They all kept it a secret. 

The memories of that moment all came flooding back at the end of this movie. I felt completely worthless in the world. I cried because she made all my other children and grandchildren promise they won't talk to me about Greta or give me any pictures. I'm broken at the moment and defeated. The words I heard my entire life are staring me right in the eye: "Diane, you are nothing. You offer nothing to this world and we would all be better off without you." 

As those words tried to take me away, the truth also looked me in the eye. I don't brag about the things I do in this world. I'm the quiet type to do and help and not want any sort of recognition. I've always felt my purpose in this world was to build people up and help them see the best in themselves. Sometimes that depletes what you can see in yourself, but it's always worth the smile or hug you get. 

In conclusion here is my advice. If you are carrying burdens, allow someone's love to bring you peace. If you don't have that someone in your life, find a friend, reach out to me, but know YOU have value in this world. Help someone who has carried the same burden as you, but most of all don't give up! We all have value, we all have a place. As the character in the movies states" People are amazing!" 

This post is dedicated to the amazing people in my life: Tim, Amber, Mike, Hous, Renee, and Holly - Thank you! While my gratitude may not always show, it always ever present.