Reflections From My Heart As I Look Forward To The New Year

 Sometimes the holidays can be hard and families are not perfect. We all need grace to keep joy during the holidays. Often we are surprised when tension rears its head. Some thoughts about how to keep joy alive. As we leave 2023 behind and look forward to 2024 I want to reflect on some things I've learned this past year. 

1. Remember. God is with you to help you succeed.

"If God is for you, who can be against you." God is for you — for you. He wants you to succeed. When God's Spirit is working in our midst, He will take our fish and loaves, all that we have to give to Him, within our own limitations and together with Him, our labor becomes enough. 

2. "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) There are always do-overs in God's economy. All of us mess up, (He is mindful that we are but dust! Psalm 103) 

I wonder why we have the illusion that we are supposed to be perfect. Don't be so hard on yourself and live within your limitations. You will not ever be perfect or do it totally right — not now, not next week, not even when you are 70! 

This is the fallen world, and we will never be able to control ourselves, our circumstances, or the world the live in. We live in grace and move toward maturity little by little. 

And your family will never be perfect, either. Love them as they are. Believe in them, touch them.

Living in the grace and knowledge that God forgives, knows our limitations, is not surprised or disappointed, but wanting to give us hope is so very crucial. Don't listen to the accusers voice. Of course you have fallen short — you are human.

3. “He lay down and slept under a juniper tree; and behold, there was an angel touching him, and he said to him, ‘Arise, eat.’” (I Kings 19:5)

Elijah was so very weary from spiritual battle that he despaired of his life — wished he hadn't been born. But God knew he was extremely exhausted, battle worn, weary. So the first thing God did when Elijah poured out his heart to Him was to put him to sleep. He slept a long time — took time to physically rest. Next, and I love this, an angel touched him — physical touch, a hug, an embrace, a hand massage, a real massage, is a personal healer. I love it that God's angel touched him and brought him comfort. Then, he still didn't give him a lecture — instead, the angel fed him.

I create beauty around me to remind me that I am worth something. I light candles, get some flowers at Sam's — the kind that last 2 weeks, and I play music all the time.

"The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until the full day." Proverbs 4:18 — every day, a little more light, a little more progress, and eventually, full brightness.

I am praying for all of you — but even more, God is praying for you and loves you. Don't give into discouragement or inadequate feelings. With God all things are possible. He is so glad you are trying and that you care.  You are precious to Him and He is training your character to grow strong.

Blessings to all of you.

New Years Grace = You Are Enough

 Today is not just another “today” but the first of the clean pages of a whole year waiting for what we will write into our lives and what greatness we’ll pull from within.

Here’s the thing. No matter how you enter this year, whether you’re running into a bright season, whether you’re limping across the finish line or crawling your way out of a tough calendar, you are enough.

Even If you don’t add one title to your name or accolade to your resume, you’re enough.

What YOU choose to do with your one wild and precious life is the cherry on top of who you already are.

So what is it you’re saying over yourself and this coming year? What words are you writing into those blank pages before you?

What big dreams do you have that will be plastered on the vision board of your walls? Maybe even dreams long forgotten, but beginning to seep into your memories, stirring a passion even as you read these words on the screen?

What grace will you show yourself in this next season?

I loved watching my kids grow, those first steps where we hold our breath in anticipation of how far they’ll go, in celebratory cheer over the smallest of strides.

Like anything new; they didn’t start in a run. First steps aren’t sprints. And just like a new year, a new season of life, though we may feel like it or want to keep up pace with those already seasoned, our first steps aren’t usually the biggest ones we take.

Many times those early steps look more like a tip-toe as we do it afraid. Too often first-times mean a fall or a tumble, and hopefully it also means we step out again, usually to the cheers on the sideline. 

This year, there will be steps to celebrate and moments of fear, moments of tumbling, moments of learning by failure. But in each, I want to be present, I want to rise, bruised, stronger. For you, for me, we will celebrate each stride. I want to allow myself to be me, to reside in grace, and to be happy in where I am and who I am. 

And I want that for you too. 

Be brilliant. Be you. You are enough.

Lost As An Adult? - Look Closer!

 When I was little, my parents and I went to the zoo.  My parents sat on a bench and watched as I played in one of the children's area at that time. Every few minutes, I would glance over to make sure they were still there. And they were. Until they weren’t. As the 3-going-on-43-year-old that I was, I found a responsible looking adult and asked them to escort me to the lost child center. I sat patiently, sucking on a lollipop, waiting for my parents to show up.

While my execution of the “if you’re ever lost” plan was flawless, my situational awareness was not. I couldn’t see my parents because they had moved to a different bench. What I perceived as abandonment was actually the exact opposite.

My parents moved benches so they could see me better. They had been watching the whole time and (understandably) freaked out as they watched me walk away with a stranger. My poor parents; the one time I was “lost,” it was significantly more traumatizing for them than it was for me.

Now that I’m grown up, I’ve been surprised by how often I’ve felt lost as an adult.

I’ve experienced so much loss and heartache over the last 10 years that I often like life is an ocean and I’m just (barely) treading water. God once felt near and real and now he’s distant and quiet.

I am reading Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst and this passage jumped out at me as I read:

If God is good…why isn’t He being good to me in this?

And in this moment of raw soul honesty, we’re forced to admit we feel a bit suspicious of God. We’ve done all we know to do. We’ve prayed all we know to pray. We’ve stood on countless promises with a brave face. And still nothing.

I’m over here with my hand raised, jumping up and down. I know, in my head, that God loves me. He’s said he loves me. He’s shown me love through people and he’s loved me by meeting needs in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I am thankful.

And yet, as I type those things, I also feel the jagged edges of my heart that’s been broken and feels forgotten.

I’m choosing to believe that God is still good, because I don’t really see any alternatives and because I know that my feelings don’t change God’s character.

When I was little, my parents hadn’t left me, they’d just moved for a better view. As an adult, I may feel abandoned by God, but I’ve decided to wait awhile longer before I decide he’s left for good.

So here I am, sitting and waiting, not having all the answers, and wishing I knew what the adult equivalent of a lollipop is.

Putting the Pieces Together In This Puzzle Of Life

 Have you ever worried what would happen if you had to be honest about your imperfections? Do you feel like life is sometimes a Jenga tower, balanced on some of your strengths with each weakness only precariously holding up the blocks above them? Do you acknowledge your weaknesses or do you prefer to pretend like they’re not there? Are you holding your breath, waiting for one stressful, traumatic moment to make it all come tumbling down? What if there was a better way, one where we could be honest about our weaknesses and shore them up instead of just hoping for the best?

Fun fact: “integrity” has always been one of my favorite and top character traits. When I was in high school I tried really hard to get people to use “integral” as the adjective version of the word instead of always describing people as “having integrity.”

Nerd alert.

I know.

But I think even high school me knew that we weren’t talking about integrity enough. 

People often quote C.S. Lewis when defining integrity instead of using a more formal definition: “integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.” It’s being the same person in private and in public. Someone with integrity has the same personality and character traits regardless of the people they are with or situations they are in.

I dream of a world where integrity is something everyone aspires to.

*Stay focused, Diane.*

I feel like most conversations on character focus on the positives. Being trustworthy, loyal, creative, kind, generous, and gentle are all absolutely lovely things and things. We should absolutely be known as people who practice those things and who are growing to do better each day. 

But it’s not the whole picture.

Integrity is not about being the best version of yourself all the time or growing above your weaknesses to only focus on your strengths.

What if we thought about integrity as embracing our wholeness?

I, Diane Crawley, am creative, inclusive, kind, determined, loyal, safe, and deeply loving. But I am also often disorganized at times, frenetic, forgetful, and at times withdrawn. I say that without any guilt or shame (although it is a bit nerve-racking to say that out loud) because I’ve seen magic that happens when I look at myself as a whole being, not just a summation of my positives. Just think: if you made chocolate chip cookies with only chocolate and vanilla but no baking soda or flour, you’d have a gooey mess and probably a smokey oven. Wholeness is important.

Stick with me here. We’re all puzzle pieces within our communities (and I absolutely consider long-distance friends and online groups communities). If we only acknowledge our strengths, we are all puzzle pieces with only bumps. When we are honest about our weaknesses, we develop the hole sides (is there a better way to describe that? Probably, but I think you know what I mean). When we are honest about strengths AND weaknesses, we fit together.

Your strengths help my weaknesses and my strengths can fill in where there’s space because of your weaknesses. When I tell someone “I’m finding it difficult to cope with this,” I’m inviting them to exercise their strengths.

When we embrace the idea that integrity is just as much about our weaknesses as our strengths, we create opportunities to connect with each other. We acknowledge that we need each other and that we can meet each other’s needs. Being honest about what we can do well and what we can’t is like using all the ingredients in that chocolate chip recipe: the individual items come together to make something really wonderful.

Psst…it’s you. You’re the thing that’s really wonderful.

Feeling Broken At Christmas

 Everywhere I look, there are signs of a shiny, bright, perfect Christmas. Smiling family photos. Perfectly decorated homes and trees. Happy people enjoying happy friends at happy Christmas parties. Christmas movies that elicit giggles and end in magical first kisses. Cookies and hot cocoa and fires and snow (or at least dreams of it).

Sometimes Christmas is all of those things.

Since my dad died a few years ago, Christmas has been an exciting distraction. Taking time for extra fun and favorite traditions lightens the grief-burden for a few weeks.

And then, without notice, Christmas becomes less about the shiny, bright excitement and all about the brokenness. Christmas is a baby born homeless and under unusual circumstances. His family became exiles (refugees, even). Christmas is God choosing to give up the luxuries of heaven to subject himself to the human experience.

Christmas is the holiday for the broken hearted.

Reality is, over the course of a lifetime, we’ll each have at least one less-than-ideal Christmas. Maybe you’re lonely. Or disappointed. Or hurt. Maybe Christmas reminds you of bad memories or unrealized dreams. Christmas isn’t an eraser or even a remedy for the hurts and bruises of life.

And don’t try to ignore Christmas, that won’t dull the pain or make it disappear.

This advent season, the month we spend anticipating Christmas, I have intentionally made life quiet. In all of the excitement of the last few Christmases, I have missed opportunities to discover what it means to embrace my brokenness at Christmas.

Christmas isn’t magic. Instead, Christmas promises new life. Christmas doesn’t heal my broken heart, but it reminds me that my grief is not permanent. I meditate on the past with both smiles and tears, taking deep breaths, and moving forward because I know my story isn’t over.

God gave us Christmas because he knew we wouldn’t be able to fix our broken selves. The miracle of it is that the solution wasn’t glamorous or impressive. The solution was a baby, born into desperate times and in the least likely of places. God’s solution to my broken heart was humble and subtle.

If this Christmas, you are anxious for prayers to be answered and hope to be revived, be encouraged. Advent is a season of anticipation and of desperate prayers for an answer to the cries of a broken heart.

If you find yourself “heart-sick with hope deferred” and no sign of Hope on the way, remember that Advent is for the longing, broken hearts. If your heart is anxious for rest, let this Christmas be the year you embrace the Gift and soak in the Grace that was born to love us like we’ve never been loved before.

Other People’s Karma

So often in life we find ourselves in situations where someone does something to us that is hurtful, unkind, ungrateful, unfair, unwarranted, dishonest, or a myriad of other mean things that hurt us or make us feel bad.  And often times when that happens our initial thought from the little devil on our shoulder is to lash back and protect ourselves by fighting fire with fire.  An eye for an eye, right?! Wrong!!  

Fighting fire with fire is what I would call a lose/lose situation. I cannot think of a single time in my life when lashing back at someone made me feel better.  On the contrary, the times I was dumb enough to lash back I felt small, and ashamed, and sick inside after.  I truly can’t think of a single instance where I felt good about myself after lashing back.

Now contrast that to the times where someone hurt me and I was wise enough to take the high road and not lash back – in those times I was able to feel at peace with myself even though my feelings were still sad or hurt. And despite the hurt I was able to hold my head high and feel good about how I reacted and that gave me peace even in the midst of the very worst of life’s storms.

None of us can control how other people treat us, we can only control how we react to it.  

Reacting nice when someone else treats you poorly is TOUGH!!!  REALLY TOUGH!!! It honestly takes tremendous self-control and self-discipline to control your thinking and to control your temper when someone treats you poorly. But the thing I’ve found that helps me most to stay in control when others are being horrible is to remember that everyone will one day be held accountable for the way they have treated others. In addition, Karma is a very real thing and what people put out will one day come back to them – it may come back fast or it may come back slow, but it will always come back in the end…that is guaranteed.

We also have to remember that we are also one of those people who will be held accountable for how we treat others. That’s why I keep a a sticker on my wall that says “When we one day stand before God, we will be standing alone” as a reminder that when I stand before God someday to be held accountable for my behavior I won’t be able to point to someone else and say “well they did this to me first” or “well they deserved it because of how they treated me” because I will be standing before Him alone, with no one I can point the finger at or blame – it will just be me. SO regardless of what anyone else did or said, or how bad it hurt us, none of us can justify bad behavior by blaming anyone else.  We had a choice to lash back or to take the high road – We always have that choice.  And while we didn’t choose to be hurt we can certainly cause it to hurt more if we allow ourselves to lose our own integrity in the process.  No one is worth giving our integrity up for. No one. 

Make it your goal to be kind no matter what, to take the high road, to be the bigger person. And if that little devil on your shoulder starts acting up, grab the nearest fire extinguisher and have your little angel on the other shoulder take care of business! 

A Place For Hope This Advent Season

The predominant theme that emerged for me over this advent is one of God creating a larger, more loving story. That makes so much sense to me, as I have always experienced God as the creative force of love in the world and in my own life. So, the larger more loving story of the reconciling presence of love inherent in the birth of a vulnerable child and the life Jesus went on to live, embodies the reconciling presence of love that can speak into any story that we may have experienced, or be experiencing, or be afraid of experiencing. 

In times of conflict and division, we experience many emotions, and these will often surface in the telling of our stories. They can include fear, confusion, anxiety, doubt, anger, disappointment, helplessness, frustration, sadness, despair, being overwhelmed, lonely or impatient. Into these stories and emotions, God’s larger, more loving story allows us to better understand our own stories, and those of others….it cuts across the pain, divisions and suspicions that may have occurred and whilst acknowledging them as valid and meaningful (God is with us, sharing our emotions), helps us to look up, outward and beyond our individual stories to something much bigger and better. We are beloved children of God and so is everyone and everything else – and God is with us all.

That is not just good news, but brilliant news. It also challenging news – if we truly believe in the transformative presence of God in our lives – then we cannot only tend our own individual stories. We are connected to everyone and to all creation, and so their stories are our stories, and we must tend to them as well. 

How do we move from our individual stories to that larger, more loving one that encompasses our interconnectedness and need for reconciliation on so many levels? Advent readings and reflections have challenged me afresh: 

Be alert to signs of hope. It is easy to be cynical in the current times, to be overwhelmed by the violence and fear that abounds. Seeking and seeing the many signs of hope in our world, will not only sustain us, but will encourage us that in our small ways we all have the ability to make things better. 

We need to be courageous. Our stories are familiar, comfortable (even the uncomfortable, painful ones), they help define us. Looking to the stories of others, may challenge and change our own stories and that might make us uncomfortable at best. Fearful, angry, and threatened at worst. We can draw courage from people of faith who have been transformed by the presence of God –those from history, but also those we know in our current times and lives. Although, they may have struggled in hearing and understanding different stories, ultimately the larger, more loving story they emerged with was worth the risk.

To even entertain that there is a larger, more loving story for ourselves, for those we are in conflict with, for our broken world, I increasingly believe we need to be rooted in the creative force of love that is God. It may sound backwards, given that the larger, more loving story helps us root ourselves ever deeper in God’s love for us and all, but I believe we need to choose – to choose to act out of love in situations of conflict (inner, interpersonal or social), rather than react out of fear. When we react out of fear, we generally either flee from conflict or escalate it. When we act out of love – for ourselves and for others (even when we are afraid), we hold space and possibility for transformation. Transformation in our identity, transformation in our relationships and transformation to deeper community (locally and globally).

Ultimately, this larger, more loving story of God – of God with us – can bring peace and reconciliation wherever we are in our stories - in our fears, in the midst of violence, in the turbulence of our inner and outer contexts. In those circumstances, Jesus brings us a profound sense of peace and a deep reconciliation within ourselves, with God and with one another.

In today’s world we need to experience that loving presence more than ever – in the context of economic crisis, environmental emergency, war, nuclear threat, and widespread changes to our daily and communal life, including in our Churches. The promise of God with Us that every Christmas we are reminded of, becomes not only more important but foundational to our health and wellbeing.

As we await the Christ-child this Christmas, we already know the presence of Jesus – God with us. And in God’s loving presence - may despair turn to hope, may violence turn to healing, may fear turn to love. May we let the ‘Prince of Peace’ meet us where we are and bring us his peace that passes all understanding…and enable us to live a larger, more loving story towards a radical, transformed, God-coloured world. In other words, a world rooted in transformational love.

Prepare Him Room

Have you ever had to prepare to make room for something or someone? Typically, if it is a piece of furniture, you know it is on its way and you move everything around so it will fit. But what if someone unexpectedly shows up for dinner? 

 We had a friend show up one night right as we sat down to eat. Of course, we invited him to join us. When he accepted, we all scrunched together, quickly pulled out another place setting, and made room for him at the table. 

 I have been thinking a lot about Advent lately and the preparation it should require but is often overlooked. I think about the years I have rushed on to Christmas Day, leaving no space to receive the greatest gift ever given. This year, I want to prepare to make room for Jesus. I want to intentionally slow down, making space to receive Him who gave us everything. I want to experience joy on a whole new level. Today, we are going to prepare to make room. 

 Last week, I read, “Let every heart prepare him room. Notice some excess clutter in your schedule, your mind, your heart. Cart it out. Take it to the curb. Make space for God.” This is how we prepare to make room for Him. This is our time to prepare. 

 Advent is all about preparation. To prepare is to make ready. The problem with “today’s” Christmas is that it is never enough. We fill our schedules with holiday events, parades, lights, meals, gift buying, wrapping, and giving. All of which are a part of a commercialized Christmas, designed to keep us busy, crowding out the true meaning of Christmas, pushing the “Christ” right out of it all! Advent reminds us to make space for Jesus, to prepare to make room, and to relish in the thought of God being birthed within us. 

 One of my favorite Christmas carols is “Joy to the World.” It is usually sung closer to Christmas Day as we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior. However, I started singing it last week. When you look at the words, “Let every heart prepare him room,” it reminds us to be intentional in our preparation leading up to the day. Making room for God does not just happen. We have to make space and carve out time now. It is kind of like knowing a new piece of furniture is going to arrive on Tuesday. So you prepare to make room for its arrival. Jesus is not a piece of furniture. However, we may need to start moving some stuff around in order for Him to fit into our lives. 

 There is something very freeing, joyful even, about making space for God. Find your JOY! This year, starting today, I want to encourage you, as you journey toward Christmas, to make space for God‘s greatest gift. Approach Christmas a little slower. Be intentional in what you choose to do and what you say “no” to. You have a special arrival coming and now is the time to prepare to make room. God gave us His greatest joy. It is up to us to make room to receive that Joy. Don’t miss the joy this Christmas.